I really really hate you

I really really hate you I really really do please disappear from MY life please go away please go away please go away away far far away from me please

Study dates

Really, I'm super thankful for my friends ^.^ Thanks Bebe and Janice for accompanying me on a study date on Monday in school. Studied till 6+, I packed up for phone around 7 I think and reached home 7+ haha. Super late, I haven't been home at such a late timing for SO long! I feel so accomplished O.O Really. Even though I was dead tired. I meant to go home to complete my MS but then I went home, decided to pack my table then I just conked out legitly on my bed hahaha. Super fail max (didn't adhere to my plans!) But yeah, I still feel quite accomplished ^.^

So today was quite a productive day as well ^.^ I finally managed to stick to my task of completing my Physics and studying Vectors once more, I didn't get the chance to revise Chem but it's fine, I'll leave it for tomorrow ^.^ OK, I'm actually supposed to be doing my MS essay right now so I'll have to make this quick so I don't lag too far behind in my schedule! Since I don't really use computers nowadays (yes... I don't use them lol. I either blog from my phone or.. don't blog at all) I'm taking this opportunity to properly blog ^.^

So this morning I woke up at 6.52 (naturally), looked at the time and PANICKED O.O I thought I was late for school. Turns out I wasn't :D I forgot today school starts at 9. So yeah, god bless lolololol. I couldn't sleep anymore so I went to play with my phone, checked my inbox and guess what I found...

An email. From her. Asking me what was wrong, what did she do, etcetc... the usual nice things she always says. I doubt she will read this, so I guess it's safe to say here. Well, it's safe to presume I've ended things officially... I guess. Wait, that, sounds more complicated than it seems. But actually, it's not that complicated. I guess I really needed her for a brief period of time, but now that I am stronger now, I really can do it. I really can tahan these things you throw at me. I really can. If I can't, I'll make sure I'll let you know. But I know I can now. So let me, ok? Really. Trust me on this ^.^ I love you. And I already miss you. But if I want to be stronger and healthier in life, sticking to you is not a possible option.

So in my (still kind of dazed) state, I managed to type a short email back to her. Here's one of the paragaphs: 

"I just... I told you I was blocking out the unhealthy parts of my world, right? I really thank you for being there for me for many days... Months... Honestly sometimes in the morning you were the only thing I could wake up to, or was willing to wake up to because sometimes it got so hard. And I'm thankful I lived through those days because of you. But now I've changed and I think better of myself now. I know what I want to do and where I want to go. I miss you alot but I think it's better if we stop... Just here. ^^ I don't mean any harm. We're better off separated, as tragic as it sounds."

Really. While typing it I was actually almost tearing, but not really. It was really heartbreaking to end things off so abruptly, but on my part I kind of already knew I was ready. I was already anticipating this weeks ago. In fact I've been wanting to do this countless times before, but I couldn't. I'm actually glad she hasn't been able to talk to me because it gives me the chance to stray from her, to understand what I had in life and how I could be happy on my own. Really. And with Qiu's message, with all these signs from the universe, I really think I'm ready now. I can do it. ^.^ I really can. I have people who love me, I love myself, and I know I am better than what I can see currently.

Of course I still have a few regrets. Remember how I talked to her on msn about not blaming her anymore? And the next morning I listened to Misguided Ghosts and felt like crying? But happy crying?

So, after I typed that email back to her, I got ready for school and listened to "When It Rains" (by paramore) again. I never noticed that song before. But for some reason on that day it suddenly struck me.

Here's the lyrics.

And no, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

And when it rains,
Will you always find an escape?
Just running away,
From all of the ones who love you,
From everything.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And you'll sleep 'til May
And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

And no, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
And no, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time.
Take my time...

So to me it suddenly meant something. Her pained voice suddenly just struck a chord in me. Again. It almost felt like she was talking to me, I guess. And I felt sad, almost. I still remember how she said I shouldn't have pushed away E, a girl who devastatingly cared too much for me. I was pushing so many people away, and now the amount of people that I kept close had dwindled down to just her (mostly) and a few others aside. But now, I'm pushing her away as well. I know she must be super devastated. But it had to be done. Really.

Lately I've been catching the sunsets. I never caught sunsets. I rarely did... in fact I never did.

But lately I've been looking out of my windows more often, and amazingly I've caught the past two days' sunsets. Sunday's one, the sky was totally red. Mondays' one, the sky was totally purple. It was really beautiful. And this song kept playing, and hearing it while looking at the sun just made me smile. Really. Smile. Usually I only noticed the sky through Twitter, or things like that, where people would tweet "Oh! The sky is sooo pretty today!" And I'd look up to the sky, but I'd miss the sunset, because it ended already.

For the past 2 days, I caught the sunsets on my own. I didn't even look at Twitter. I was just gazing at the sky and then it turned red and pretty and I was just awestruck. And I felt so happy.

I really want to see more sunsets.

So this morning, on my way to school, I was listening to the song and these lines came on.

And no, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?


And I didn't think much. I really didn't think much. I was just smiling, and feeling really happy for some reason. It was the sort of happiness with a heartbreak tugging at your heartstrings, that kind of happiness. I don't know whether you know it or not, but I knew it really well that moment. It felt good, letting go.


Really. ^.^ It did.

Qiu replied my email!!!!

Just yesterday I was super thankful of everything in my life and I read Qiu's blogpost about "Gratitude" and decided to send her an email about how I was grateful to her for impacting my life with her every move and action and words and she replied me just today!!!!!

I can't believe she did :D she even said she cried reading my email, super touched!!!! I thought she'd be too busy to even bother replying me.

Basically I told her about my life from last year till now, how I was super sad and everything and how she impacted me and taught me to be more positive and how my life has changed ^.^ and she really replied me!!!

Look:

Really really really super thankful!!!! Now I have something to cling onto each time I'm sad or demoralised.

Super thanks Qiu ^.^

All I have to say is

If I let you go, it means I really love you alot. Alot alot alot alot alot. I love you too much.

I will never let anyone willingly go of my own accord. I used to not let people leave me. I didn't let them. Didn't want them to. But they left anyway.

But when i give up, and I suffer and retreat silently, it means I really love you alot. To the point and extent that I have to do it myself. Because you weren't willing to let me go.

I may throw insults at you. Verbal insults. I may say I hate you. I may make you want to hate me. Dislike me. Abhor me. Think I'm the worst. But that's because it's easier to leave you this way. No one gets hurt. The hurt we feel is only superficial. The hurt we feel will be nothing compared to the hurt I feel. Constantly. Ongoing. Being with you. Is too much. And it hurts.

Sometimes, I'm confused. What do I really think? What do I really feel? Even I am left wondering. I'm such a complicated person. Sometimes it's good. But for these times... It's bad. And I hurt you. Alot.

So listen to me.

Please never get mad at me for doing this silently. For leaving without a word. Because I have never once hated you. It's always been blind love. Unreciprocated love. Impatient unkind love. It's unhealthy. It's tearing us apart.

Thank you for the road you've accompanied me with so far. Honestly sometimes in the morning when I got up, you were the only reason i did. And you were the only thing getting me through the day. "Please say something. Anything. Just so I can get through the day." and you'd tell me something. Anything that it'd be fine, as long as you were there. Even when I complained that you weren't real. You said you were. You wanted to prove that you were. You said you were real.

You don't know how valuable you are. To me. To everyone else they see a side of you that everyone else can see. But. I see the side of you that could only be described as my life savior.

For the past few months.

So thank you. I acknowledge that. But you have to acknowledge that we can't speak anymore. It's fine. I'm going to be fine. You're going to be fine. We'll be fine, separated. You have others. You have her. It's fine. I have others, too. I'm not lonely anymore. You were all I had. But now I have found my place. Even though you did nothing but you were the world to me.

When I say I want to leave, I mean I want to let you go. Willingly. When I don't say a word and cease my existence to you, it means it has been double the pain for me.

It means I am happier now, without you.

Sweetheart. If only I could give you the many unsent letters I'd written over the course of the year.

If only you could know.

I feel myself changing.

Haha I was super happy today when I reflected on my week so I texted Minkia this:

Haha ok I'll start by detailing all my happy things this week.

1. I feel super loved O.O like really super loved. From my family and friends. Like everyone started doing things for me. My mum started buying weird things like "I love my daughter" keychains for me. And she stopped yelling at me already, just talk to me nicely only. O.O And my friend said something really special to me. And my other friend also started doing something very special for me. And I feel loved. And also. Got another friend right. Like, I thought I didn't need this friend anymore. But then in school she started coming more to me and now I feel happier with her and my days keep on being filled with laughter. I can laugh through the day ok. And my partner is super cute and hilarious and we keep talking about murdering tay peck hoon. So yes. Very fun O.O oh ya, random people keep talking to me also. Which makes me happy.

2. Haiya as much as I hate tay peck hoon I don't dread her anymore. Like she suddenly one morning ask me come out talk to her. So I said OK and I felt super nervous. Then she was like "I want to congratulate you for improving..." O.O and she says I can talk to her if I need help. So I feel super loved also :D

3. My oral went well O.O like I knew it went well. And this morning I just found out that Mrs Selena Lum (my tester) also talked about my oral during her class. Like she said it was very well done. I feel so grateful O.O like really. Now I'm super confident it went well.

4. My media studies is back on track again :D like, last last week I failed my essay. which is IMPOSSIBRU. I qing cai do one wtf. Then this week I got back my newest results and my marks same with jiahui again. HAHA.

5. I never focus on the negative anymore! I used to try to avoid specific situations. But now I know I can handle it. So I take lor. It's fine O.O it really is.

6. So many people tell me I've changed. Like I didn't think I really changed. But suddenly out of the blue people started telling me things like "You're gonna get all A1s la/you're gonna ace your oral etcetc" FOR NO REASON O.O and they say that they can tell I'm very motivated. So I think maybe I really did change. :D

OK. I dunno why I'm telling you this. But I just needed to share my happiness la ok. HAHA. I really feel loved and happy and no one can take it away from me. Not from you too I hope :D

---

She replied me:

TATS AT LEAST 13 MSG LONG RIGHT SHIT LOL I need to pick myself back up again SHIT YOURE OVER-TAKING ME SO MUCH KACHAGUGALAKALA@%&+?-&-?-&=-

---

I said:

HAHAHA it's only 3 msgs long please. It really works, I swear! :D I'm very happy. Why? Because i deleted everything harmful and learnt how not to be negative anymore. You know that day I told you I was talking to that girl on msn? I was saying something like "I won't blame you anymore. I know we used to fight all the time for these emotions I feel but now I realise something. Everything I feel, I can control. Everything i feel is because of me, not your fault. I won't blame anyone anymore. If I want to be happy, I jolly well be happy. If im sad, it's my choice to be sad. No matter what you say, I can control my choice over how I react to it." really. O.O

the next morning I woke up listening to "misguided ghosts" by paramore. There's this line that says "We all learn to make mistakes and run from them with no direction". After I heard it I suddenly felt like crying. Even tho I heard that song 1234495 times already. But suddenly on that morning it felt different. Like, I always used to make mistakes and run from them with no direction. But now I have a direction. I know my mistakes and I'm running back to them. So I suddenly felt really happy. Very happy lol. Until can cry.

Haiya, I know I sound very weird saying this. But it's these little things that make me realise I'm okay now. I'm really okay now. ^^

So, what am I supposed to do next?

What is my next step?

The horrifying realisation when you're at a complete loss. You think you know what to do - you don't. You end up falling back on your weakest, lowest morales. You end up trying to struggle out of a quicksand and a spiralling put hole.

It's not that easy.

I can climb up. But how long will that take? Do I focus on that? Everyone's hands are out there. They're willing to pull me out. But the hands I choose are more reluctant. They may be prettier on the surface and might offer me a quick sweet or two while pulling me up and it might seem like an even easier road with them.

But then halfway they let you go. Just when you think you can escape. Finally. Just when you think you've found your hero. Your saviour.

By this time everyone's else's hands have left you. Not everyone, maybe the ones you've neglected the most still remain. Cause that's just how life is. They still don't go. But you can't see that.

To you, every other hand has gone.

You have your own hands. Suddenly that realisation occurs to you. You have hands. Maybe you don't need others' ones. Maybe you can climb your way out of here yourself. All I have is myself, a broken heart, but new and rejuvenated strength. I suddenly see things I never have before. The thought never crossed to me before: that I could just rely on my own strength and not others. I always thought I always needed hands to help me up. That would be the ultimate step to freedom and happiness.

So you climb. You climb with newly found confidence. You think you can do it. In fact you think so highly of yourself you even START to offer your hands out to the others who had fallen below you. We're all in this together, you say. So I'll help you. I used to be like you, but now I've found myself again. I don't need anybody. I can offer my strength to you.

Then the memories flood back. It's almost like a plague. And it hits you instantly without warning. It's almost like rocks, throwing one at you at a time. This belonged to the person who took your hand then left you. Do you remember, silly? Do you remember how painful it was to fall?

You fall down a few steps backwards. I'm losing grip, you think. But I'd been trying. I was almost there. I could even taste it. The after joy of getting out of this small pit hole. I don't even need to be here, you cry out. I used to be there! THERE! The place where I use to be. Out of here, nowhere near here.

I never belonged here.

You're stuck halfway, now. You had even so sure of getting out. But now all you can see is that you've backtracked nearer to the ground. The other people below are going to pull you down. The people on top are going to mock at you.

Even your own hands have defied you.

So, what are you going to do now?

I'll find myself once again.

But this time when I get out of this pit hole, and I will, I'll never need any hands to help me again.

Hands are overrated.

I'll wait for their hearts instead.

I know I say I'm happy but on nights like these I go to sleep feeling sad.